Why would I be reading these articles you ask? Because I just had a debate with my 74 year old mother over a ONE degree temperature setting on a the air conditioner. Yes, one degree. Currently it's 61 degrees outside and a balmy 75 degrees in the house...with the air conditioner running, late April in Virginia. Everyone who has walked into this house in the past year or so has commented on how hot it is in here, yet Mother claims she is freezing while walking around with a tee shirt and sweatshirt on at all times. Myself and several visitors have suggested she see a doctor to ensure there isn't something going on with her..thyroid, hormones and such, but are angrily met with "What is a doctor going to do for me, order more medicine?"
Typically if you had this one debate it would be tolerable, but this is just one of many quirks my Mother has that drove me to research and try to put my mind to paper, so to speak. Over the years I've dealt with her anxiety over not wanting to sleep in her own bedroom, but on the sofa. Her sleep patterns of staying up late, sleeping in late and the typical 3 to 5 hour nap each evening just as dinner is being set on the table. Her eczema flare ups that cover 75% of her body that she attempts to treat with multiple lotions, coconut oil, and antihistamines and scratching til she actually tears her clothing and bleeds, instead of seeing a doctor and actually following their directions for prescription creams, anti anxiety medications. Lack of appetite and complaining to other people that there is "no food in the house" when there is plenty of food, just not her typical carbohydrate loaded diet that changes depending on her gag reflex at the smell of certain foods. Her insisting on unplugging small appliances in fear of something catching on fire, in spite of her lack of concern over her cigarettes being left lit when she walks out of a room or her ashtray precariously teetering on top of a stack of a weeks worth of newspapers and a side of used tissues. Her complaints about sharing living space with myself and my son when we bring out our belongings to use and there not being enough room to handle the extra clutter while she has a kitchen cabinet with 7 coffee carafes from broken coffee makers. Her screeching at the dogs when they beg for attention after being secluded in a utility room most of the day, to her complaining that once I leave I will be taking the dogs from her to her friends and sisters. Her panic attacks over storms, people entering her house, her son's money issues, if the trash can is placed on the correct side of the driveway or not, flushing the toilet too much, how many packages of toilet paper are in the house, too many clothes in the washer that requires the setting of a large load vs medium loads being washed and so many more that I could probably write a list of 200 or more complaints.
This is the mother that I deal with on a daily basis. The one who my half sister, who lives 30 minutes away and gets to pick and chooses when she has to deal with her while living the life of the upper class and ignoring us in the middle class and my brother who only shows up when he needs to be bailed out of financial dilemmas or has his sons for the weekend who happily play with their cousin, my son, while he takes a sober day to set up his next booty call and drunken bar hop.
I am not without fault of my own. I have been here for 8 years now. I moved back when my son was 5 and starting kindergarten. At the time I had rushed into a marriage with yes, another narcissist after only dating for 4 months. He promised the world to me, convinced me to quit my job to stay home and take care of my son and his ailing mother. 9 months after quitting my job and shortly after our 2 year anniversary, he realized I wasn't going to fall into the mold of being a Stepford wife he told me I "needed to go home". I later found out he was cheating on me with a coworker and she was pregnant. I ended up coming "home" to the house I grew up in and settled in to raise my son knowing that living with my mother would allow my son to have a constant home, attend the same school without disruption and at the time be close to where his father was living. Four separate times I attempted to balance having employment, looking after my son and catering to my mother's whims. Each time once the novelty of me being employed and my retired mother having to help out with ensuring my son got up for school or someone was here when he got off the bus, she would start to demean my employment and complain that "he wasn't her child to take care of." Shortly after my last employment she lost her companion of 13 years to cancer and then was diagnosed with cancer herself. For 2 months I drove her to radiation treatments, testings,surgeries and doctor visits because of her anxiety of driving on interstates and into the city. Without employment I have managed to keep my bills paid on less than $400 a month in child support and $294 in food stamps. I've afforded my son the comfort of coming home to a parent to help with school work, a parent who is at the school to get him if he becomes ill and the constant of having a dinner on the table each night. I've had a few occasions where I had to borrow money from my mother for auto repairs, custody lawyers, and occasional bill coverage when my son's father neglected to pay child support. I do not drink, I do not do drugs and I do not spend money without careful consideration being made for my obligations.
I am the one who is my mother's keeper. I am the one who deals with her temper tantrums when the anxiety hits her. I am the one who is here when she fears dying and screams out at the world. I am the one who sees that she has food to eat, a ride to where ever she needs to go, I am the one who holds her head up when she passes out for no known reason, I am the one who holds the bag as she gets sick, I am the one who rubs lotion on her eczema that drives her into frenzy as she rakes her skin off her bones, I am the one who calls the other two when she refuses to eat and looses enough weight that you can see her ribs and wrist bones protrude. I am the one who meets with doctors and delivers cancer diagnosis to her. I am the one who bows to her every beckon call so she can stay inside this house for months on end...prompting the neighbors to ask if she is okay. I am the one who puts food in front of her each night to be told it's not what she wants or it smells or looks disgusting. I am the one who gets a call if a storm is near to come home and sit with her. I am the one who is told "I might as well lay down and die." when I finally get irritated enough to speak up about how screwed up this situation is.....and my son, my tolerant son, has to witness it all.
I sit each night and wonder how I am going to get away from this. I feel like a rat trapped in a maze, trying to escape, only to go down the same path over and over. I am sure that one day I will leave here. I've done it before. I walked completly away from my family for 2 years. I don't think I would have lasted the 8 years I have been here if I hadn't taken those 2 years away to find myself and know that my life before was not normal and completely chaotic. In those two years I had closure with my father, experienced managing my own home with my son, and even though it ended in divorce there were moments of total peace in my mind and heart. If I had not experienced that I wouldn't have the drive I do now to find that normalcy again in life. I would have given up and accepted this chaos as my destiny. My anger that I learned to control would have made the chaos even worse while dealing with my mother and two siblings who choose to ignore the issues with our mother. But I have my inner peace, I have my future, I now have a 2 year relationship with my love and I have my son....all of which allow me to somewhat deal with this chaos and insanity.
Are You a Daughter of a Narcissistic Mother? Take This Brief Survey to Find Out.
Narcissism is a spectrum disorder with the most severe end of the spectrum considered a narcissistic personality disorder. A woman can have several narcissistic traits and not fit the personality disorder. Mothers with only a few traits listed can negatively affect their daughters in insidious ways- Dr. McBride’s
(Check all those that apply to your relationship with your mother)
- When you discuss your life issues with your mother, does she divert the discussion to talk about herself?
- When you discuss your feelings with your mother, does she try to top the feeling with her own?
- Does your mother act jealous of you?
- Does your mother lack empathy for your feelings?
- Does your mother only support those things you do that reflect on her as a “good mother"?
- Have you consistently felt a lack of emotional closeness with your mother?
- Have you consistently questioned whether or not your mother likes you or loves you?
- Does your mother only do things for you when others can see?
- When something happens in your life (accident, illness, divorce) does your mother react with how it will affect her rather than how you feel?
- Is or was your mother overly conscious of what others think (neighbors, friends, family, co-workers)?
- Does your mother deny her own feelings?
- Does your mother blame things on you or others rather than own responsibility for her feelings or actions?
- Is or was your mother hurt easily and then carried a grudge for a long time without resolving the problem?
- Do you feel you were a slave to your mother?
- Do you feel you were responsible for your mother’s ailments or sickness (headaches, stress, illness)?
- Did you have to take care of your mother’s physical needs as a child?
- Do you feel unaccepted by your mother?
- Do you feel your mother was critical of you?
- Do you feel helpless in the presence of your mother?
- Are you shamed often by your mother?
- Do you feel your mother knows the real you?
- Does your mother act like the world should revolve around her?
- Do you find it difficult to be a separate person from your mother?
- Does your mother appear phony to you?
- Does your mother want to control your choices?
- Does your mother swing from egotistical to a depressed mood?
- Did you feel you had to take care of your mother’s emotional needs as a child?
- Do you feel manipulated in the presence of your mother?
- Do you feel valued by mother for what you do rather than who you are?
- Is your mother controlling, acting like a victim or martyr?
- Does your mother make you act different from how you really feel?
- Does your mother compete with you?
- Does your mother always have to have things her way?
Note: All of these questions relate to narcissistic traits. The more questions you checked, the more likely your mother has narcissistic traits and this has caused some difficulty for you as a growing daughter and adult.
